Personality is Both Innate and Learned
Photo by elen aivali
It only takes parents two children to learn that personality is something we are born with. That first child was so easy (or maybe so difficult, or so outgoing, or so quiet), and the parents are expecting the same kind of child as they wait for their second. To everyone’s surprise, the second child seems to be a different person altogether. And I guess that is the point. Each person born on this earth is unique. There are obvious things that may make us similar, but the diversity will be there anyway. My first two children were identical twins, born just four minutes apart. The many things that made them alike were what astonished my husband and me. People who didn’t live with them couldn’t tell them apart. They were so alike that they didn’t use mirrors to see what they looked like. They just looked at each other. There is a term for this; they are called “mirror twins.” But there were differences, too, and while they looked alike, they didn’t act alike. The twins did not want to be seen as one entity. They wanted to be treated as individuals even when tiny.
Their personalities were different from the start. Anne was more outgoing at home than Laura, but she was shy around strangers. Laura was generally more reserved, but she could carry on a conversation with someone she didn’t know well, while Anne would just stand by and listen. Anne was a quick learner, and she would watch something and be off to try it for herself. Laura was more deliberate in her learning. She would study a situation until she was ready to try it. The girls approached school in the same way. Anne was happy to learn if a subject interested her or if she liked her teacher. Laura would study and learn whatever was put in front of her, and she wanted good grades, which didn’t seem to interest Anne as much.
This difference in approach to learning would stay with the girls until their freshman year of college. Anne had cruised through junior high and high school but didn’t really push herself until she was ready to apply to college and wanted to go to a very competitive school. She was accepted and happily headed into her Marine Biology major, while Laura was majoring in English. Anne had a grueling first semester with many hours of lab work added to all of her course work. She was not used to studying, and she ended the semester with grades that put her on probation. Laura fared better with no lab hours and better study habits. Anne changed her major and learned to study, becoming a very proactive learner, and graduated three and a half years later with very good grades. To this day, many years later, Anne still has no desire to be unprepared. She has just been elected to the school board of her local district, and she studies all of the issues carefully before every meeting. She is a valued member of the board already due to her preparation, and has quickly been asked to be on several committees that are important to the district.
Anne’s experience shows that a personality trait that one was born with can be changed when the person is motivated to make that change.
For parents, this understanding of personality means two things. First, if possible, embrace the personality traits of your very young children. These traits are what make your child unique, and they are what will enrich others as that child grows into adulthood.
However, if there are personality traits that are going to make life harder for your child, a parent can help that child change by motivating him or her to change. Usually motivation that is positive in nature is the easier way to go. For very young children, a chart with some reward (like colored stars) given for every time the child has managed to make the desired change often works well. For older children, helping them to understand how an undesirable personality trait may make others not like them, or make it harder to get hired for a future job, or make them unable to attend the college of their dreams – as was the case for Anne – may do the trick.
Often, people have to learn for themselves that they are dealing with a personality trait that is making them unhappy or unsuccessful. This takes the ability to be self-aware, and some people never are able to change, often blaming their problems or unhappiness upon others rather than realizing that they are the source of the problem. It is the fortunate child who has the chance to learn early how to get along with others, to modify his or her personality so that he or she can live at peace.